Old Friends Find You :: Benji

19 October 1923
Friday
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The lake was clear and calm. Ripples spread over the surface when an orange leaf fell on the surface. Autumn was coming in fast, the breeze was cooler than a week ago. The sun setting earlier everyday.

Matilda sat on the shore, looking out at the landscape, breathing in the crisp fresh air. Her eyes were shut, hair long and wild running down her back. A serene look covered her face, as it was tipped up to the sun, getting the last bit of warmth it would provide.

The footsteps were what alerted her to someone else's presence. She wasn't expecting anyone, and anyone looking for her would never think to look along the lake. Normally she'd be hiding away in one of the castle greenhouses with dirt beneath her fingernails, happily pruning, watering, or repotting something that needed saving.

Today, she didn't want to save anything.

As the footsteps got closer, Tilly turned her head and looked to see who was approaching. A smile appeared when she saw Benji was the one interrupting her calm.

”Benji Michelle, fancy meeting you down here.”

Matilda pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them. Her satchel rested beside her in the grass, looking flatter than usual. There were no bottles of butterbeer hiding inside, no muffins or sweets and no little tin of cookies handmade in the kitchens on a night she had trouble sleeping. It was an ordinary school bag.

For anyone else, it would've gone unnoticed.

For Benji, it would be as startling as finding the Great Hall without food.

The boy she met on the first day at Hogwarts was more of a man now. Hard to believe it had been so many years ago. He had grown quite a few inches taller, while Tilly remained a shrimp at 5’2”, but the little Benji she loved was still in there.

Even though he now had responsibilities and a girlfriend and a career path.

”Glad you came down here. Drago has mentioned a few things in his letters about Auror training. They made him shave his head, fast for a week and there was something about not being able to sleep for days on end. Are you sure you’re up for this?”

All of those things were lies, but it would be fun mess with him for a bit.

"Matilda Craig."

Benji was out for a walk. Despite what others may or may not perceive about him, the boy was in fact, a thinker, and walks sometimes helped in getting his thoughts organized. While not a brooder, exactly, he had his moments where he contemplated what was to come, and how he was going to navigate the increasingly challenging road that lay ahead of him.

He'd never been the type not to rise to a challenge, but all the same, some of it seemed daunting. Law school and auror training at the same time. A marriage on the horizon. And his own fantastical ideas of a vendetta ride lingering on his peripherals. Where would he find the time for everything? How would he manage to balance all of it? How would he remain a good boyfriend, a good son, a good nephew, brother, friend....without sacrificing some for the others?

The boy settled in next to Ging, having decided it'd been enough thinking for a bit the moment he spotted his friend.

It seemed strange to realize they only had a few more months together. He'd started this journey - literally - with Matilda. She'd been his first friend. The person he'd rode into Hogwarts with the first day of school all those years ago. And it was finally all coming to an end. There was very little of those two first years left in the teenagers that now stared out at the lake, but there was a part of Benji that was glad to leave that scared little boy behind.

He never wanted to feel so unsure, so terrified, so lost in his life again.

”Glad you came down here. Drago has mentioned a few things in his letters about Auror training. They made him shave his head, fast for a week and there was something about not being able to sleep for days on end. Are you sure you’re up for this?”

"The bloke barely speaks English, Ging." Benji grinned, turning his gaze to her as he leaned back onto his elbows, crossing his legs casually. "You can't expect me to believe a word he says as a literal translation." He was teasing of course. Benji liked Drago. A bit sketchy on proper English grammar, but he had a good sense of humor.

That Benji could make out anyway.

"What's going on with you? Why are you sitting down here all by yourself?"

Benji sat down next to Matilda, shoulder to shoulder. Bringing her back to a simpler time. Over the years, they had been in this exact position many times.

"The bloke barely speaks English, Ging. You can't expect me to believe a word he says as a literal translation." A laugh escaped her.

"With lips like his, he can speak whatever language he wants." Her eyebrows lifted innocently. "I'm choosing to believe every terrifying word. I hope you can pull off bald."

She nudged his shoulder with her own before the smile faded. "What's going on with you? Why are you sitting down here all by yourself?"

Her eyes went back to the water, seeing the squid breaking the surface. "I don't know."

The answer came faster than she intended. She let out a long breath. "I think… I'm tired. Not sleepy tired." Her fingers twisted the sleeve of her sweater, her knuckles turning white as her hands tensed.

"I'm tired of feeling like every time I decide something, someone lets me in on the secret that they already made the decision for me." Another beat of silence as she processed everything.

She laughed once, there wasn't much humor in it. "I'd barely wrapped my head around marrying Drago, and now I'm expected to live in Harewood House. It never even crossed my mind. My grandparents don’t even live together, why would I think that we’d all live together like some big happy family."

She snorted and swallowed down the emotion threatening to come up. Living in the same house as Oleg and Drago’s aunt was truly frightening. And that wasn’t even the end of the negatives.

"And I'm not allowed to have a career. I've spent years trying to figure out what I wanted to do after Hogwarts..." She looked down at her hands. "Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about that, they made the decision for me.”

She sighed and shook her head. ”The cherry on top of the cupcake was Robert. He decided that I don’t get to choose who has the right to touch me. Pushing me up against the wall. Calling me sweetheart.”

She swallowed, emotion rising to the surface. ”I can still smell his breath on my face.” She said in a whisper. ”This has all just been a lot.”

"With lips like his, he can speak whatever language he wants."

Benji's nose wrinkled as he kept his gaze on the water, choosing not to look Matilda in the eye when she molested his ears. It was something she enjoyed doing, and had been doing since they were twelve, always telling Benji details about her boyfriends that for some reason she thought he needed to know. He didn't. He really didn't.

Matilda was lucky Benji was a gentleman and would never share details about Rae - not those kinds anyway - with anyone. Sure, he could mention how Rae loved to nibble on his bottom lip, how her fingers always trailed up and under his shirt, or the sweet devilish things she whispered in his ears. But why, when they were meant for him, and he had no interest in horrifying Matilda that way. Although, he supposed, he could throw a little jab in.

"Yeah, I distinctly remember you mentioning something similar about another boyfriend. Something about his tongue or...was it...hold on...." he made a show of wracking his memory, scrunching up his face and eyes, "Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. He's another bloke's problem now." He grinned wide, nudging her with his elbow before sharing a grin with her. "And we both know I can pull off any look I want. Genes like these are a gift."

He meant it. Benji knew exactly what he looked like. Rae's future children would be truly blessed.

"I don't know."

Benji frowned, his grin slipping away into something far more concerned. He and Matilda hadn't done a very good job of keeping one another abreast on the goings-on in their lives. They were both busy, he assumed. Big families like theirs kept them busy, and while they'd both come into the school as tiny fish in a big pond, it was starting to feel quite the opposite now. It seemed the world weighed on her as much as it weighed on him.

"I think… I'm tired. Not sleepy tired."

He thought he knew what she meant, having felt the same for a long time now, but he was quiet and let her go on.

"I'm tired of feeling like every time I decide something, someone lets me in on the secret that they already made the decision for me. I'd barely wrapped my head around marrying Drago, and now I'm expected to live in Harewood House. It never even crossed my mind. My grandparents don’t even live together, why would I think that we’d all live together like some big happy family."

"Well I could have told you that if you asked me." His voiced teased, but it was gentle. It was the same conundrum Rae was in. She hadn't said it, but Benji knew she had no desire to live at Arundel. His future - and hers - offered no other option. Perhaps in the early days, before they had to marry, she could live wherever she wanted while he figured out his training and studying routine. She'd have a lot on her plate as well, and he wouldn't want her to settle into married life before she had her career ready to go.

Still, they would live at the castle. They'd raise their kids there. They'd eventually die there and be buried in the family cemetery, he supposed. Matilda could probably expect the same. A family like the Zdravkovas? There was no way, Benji mused, they'd let her out of their sight, much less live somewhere free of her own accord.

How did she not know this?

"And I'm not allowed to have a career. I've spent years trying to figure out what I wanted to do after Hogwarts. Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about that, they made the decision for me.”

"Different families expect different things. Julia's always worked. Her father valued education, but his brother and their sons didn't, so Rosie was going to be married off into some other family to be a broodmare I guess." Rae would be allowed to work. Benji wouldn't have it any other way. He knew it was unusual for women of their status, but he wanted her happy and fulfilled as much as she could be. "You know..." he paused a moment and looked at her, "Rosie ran. It was really hard for her and Cass, but she did. And now...her life is her own. She's happy, from what I know anyway. You could do that too."

He'd even help her, if she needed him too. He had money, and he'd gladly give it to her if it helped her get away. "You don't have to marry him. Drago's a good guy, but there's lots of good guys out there. Is he worth giving up everything for?"

”The cherry on top of the cupcake was Robert. He decided that I don’t get to choose who has the right to touch me. Pushing me up against the wall. Calling me sweetheart. I can still smell his breath on my face.”

Benji's jaw tightened as he glanced back out at the water. "Yeah. Sorry I wasn't there to see that. You know I would have...I still can if you want me to." He threw his arm around his friend's shoulder and pulled her closer into his side. "Some blokes are idiots, you know? They think they have the right to treat girls however they want." Robert was one of them, and had gotten a little too bold for his own good.

"I can have that kid Avery poison him for you? He accepts galleons and from what I've heard he's gotten pretty good at it."

Any talk about past boyfriends she was going to ignore. THAT was a road she wasn’t willing to revisit. "And we both know I can pull off any look I want. Genes like these are a gift." Turning to look at him, leaning back just a bit, she squinted her eyes then smiled.

”If you say so. You’ll have to invest in some hats, your poor bald head will be so cold. At least I know what to get you for your birthday now.’ She laughed, bumping her shoulder into his.

The pair wasn’t known for their deep heartfelt conversations. They had always been more lighthearted and fun, but as they got older their lives got a lot more complicated. No longer just bullies and muffins, they had real, life altering things happening.

"Well I could have told you that if you asked me." It seemed that Matilda was the only person in the dark. Her head didn’t live in the clouds, but she did stick it in the dirt on occasion.

Off in her own world, dreaming about the future and where her life was headed. Unfortunately, she hadn’t taken into account how old and traditional the Zdravkova family was. She had no experience with such things. And it showed.

”I think I spent so much time denying that this was ever real, that once that changed I had an unrealistic vision of my future. Reality is slapping me in the face now though.” She said with a sigh.

Benji's question settled between them. "You don't have to marry him. Drago's a good guy, but there's lots of good guys out there. Is he worth giving up everything for?"

The words lingered far longer than either of them expected. She had spent so much time thinking about everything she was losing that she'd never stopped to ask herself what she was gaining.

Her freedom. Her career. A little cottage with an overgrown garden. The chance to choose. One by one she mourned everything being taken away from her, never realizing she'd left something out. Probably the most important piece.

Drago.

Not the engagement. Not the Zdravkova name. Not the future marriage and family. Just… Drago.

A smile formed on her mouth, before she realized it. She thought back to the man who found her all around the castle, into greenhouses and the library just to spend time with her. Learn about her. A man who helped her through gala’s, held her hand through social events and smiled while correcting her horrible pronunciation of Russian words.

A man who wrote letters that somehow made the miles between them disappear. Who had looked at her as though she was something precious instead of something useful. Who seemed to like her silly hobbies, encouraging her love of Herbology and cooking.

Who had never once laughed when she cried. Who listened. Who asked. Who waited. He never made her feel small. He never demanded she become someone else.

Merlin… He made her laugh and smile and flush with attraction. His strength made her feel wanted and safe and protected.

The thought of Robert flashed across her mind. His body pushing her against the wall. His hand against her mouth. His breath against her face, her panic and fear.

Drago never took. He always waited for her to meet him halfway. The difference between the two men was like night and day. One took what he thought was his, while the other chose her and let her decide.

Maybe… Maybe Benji had asked the wrong question. Or, she had been thinking about this all wrong from the beginning. It wasn’t about whether Drago was worth losing things for. Relationships were about compromise. No one got everything that they wanted. To be fair, she would be the one making most of the concessions, but what she truly needed to decide was whether she wanted a life without Drago.

The life she had envisioned, a small cottage, working at St Mungo’s, studying plants… those no longer looked the same. They didn’t hold the same appeal when he wasn’t the one she was coming home to.

Being the prim and proper lady that was expected wasn’t a change in her personality. It was a part of growing up. Maturing. And it wasn’t as bad as she once thought.

The galas and parties were actually a lot of fun when she was there with Drago. Dancing, whispering about the food, sharing inside jokes. A night of fancy dresses and good food wasn’t a reason to run. Changing the trajectory of her education wasn’t a reason to run. Changing her address wasn’t a reason to run.

If the last year had taught her anything, it was that she could trust Drago to love her, protect her, cherish her. He had never given her any reason to doubt that.

She'd spent so long fighting the arrangement that she'd never stopped to realize something. Somewhere along the way… It had stopped being about the arrangement, the contract, the expectations of others.

She loved him. Not because their families expected it. In fact, she knew that they didn’t care if they even liked each other.

She loved him because he was patient when she was stubborn. Because he never laughed at her dreams. Because he remembered the little things that mattered to her. And because, when she pictured the rest of her life… He was there.
Not standing in front of her. Not pulling her along begrudgingly. Simply beside her, holding her hand and kissing her temple. Smiling down at her with those ridiculous dimples.

Her heart felt strangely lighter.

Benji may have given her permission to run, but it forced her to realize she actually wanted to stay. A quiet laugh escaped her as she looked over at her oldest friend.

"You know..." She smiled softly. "...a year ago I would have packed my trunk before you even finished that sentence."

She picked up a leaf from the grass and twirled it between her fingers. "Now. I think I would spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I'd walked away."

Another small smile. Matilda whispered quietly, "I love him Benji. He’s worth it. And I know, it won’t be easy or comfortable, but I can’t see my life without him.”

There wasn't an ounce of hesitation in her voice.

Somehow, she knew that marrying Drago wouldn’t erase who she was. He wouldn’t allow it. There would still be plants and baking. She could still study what she loved and be herself with him. Maybe not in the halls of Harewood, but behind closed doors, she could be herself.

She nudged his shoulder with her own, the heaviness of the last few minutes easing just enough for the old Tilly to peek through again.

"Besides..." she grinned. "...running away sounds exhausting. All that apparating and packing my trunk over and over. Have you ever tried to pack plants? Even with magic it’s a pain in the ass."

He hummed, nodding lightly as his shoulders shrugged. God, she sounded like Rosalie.

What was it with girls and the way they loved that they'd be willing to throw everything away for a boy who grinned at them?

It wasn't to say that Benji didn't like Cassian or Drago. Cass was one of his best mates. The two had bonded over shared vices, but also the knowledge that neither of them had ever quite fit into the 'popular' crowd they orbited. He had a good heart. A bit idealistic for Benji, but Rosalie loved him, to the point that Benji sometimes thought their relationship unhealthy.

Not that he and Rae had a healthy one, but...

Drago seemed alright too. Benji had gotten to know him the previous term, and while he was a bit stiff and in need of a better sense of humor, he could see why Matilda liked him. Was there something there, behind the cold exterior that she had seen that made such a bleak future worth it? If he were honest...Benji didn't care. It wasn't because he didn't worry about his friend or want her to be okay, but he had no real interest in delving into the mindset of Dragomir Zdravkova, just as he had no real interest in doing that with any bloke.

"Then it sounds like you have two options, Ging." And it didn't seem like she really wanted his opinion, having made her mind up anyway. "Either accept that you're marrying the family too and learn to live with it." He shrugged. "Or don't."

In some ways, Rae had the same predicament in front of her. Granted, his fiancée would be allowed a life of her own - to an extent - but that didn't have everything to do with the Laurences. It had a lot to do with the Burkes. If Benji had never been an option, Roger would have found someone else to marry his daughter off to. Maybe Drago would have ended up with Rae instead, or maybe she would have been married to the Yorks or...some other American dynasty.

He didn't like to think about what would have happened to his girl, if he hadn't had the dumb luck of falling into Julia's life.

Would he have been able to watch her be married off to someone more worthy than him? Would he have been able to walk away and pursue his own life, knowing there was no way out for her? Could he have done what Cass did and run away with Rae? Would he have tried?

He...didn't know. He wasn't that guy, and couldn't begin to wonder what his mindset would have been in an alternate reality.

"Besides...running away sounds exhausting. All that apparating and packing my trunk over and over. Have you ever tried to pack plants? Even with magic it’s a pain in the ass."

Benji grinned lightly as he leaned back onto his elbows. "Don't know what you need me for then, Tills. Sounds like you already know what you're doing." He picked at the grass a bit, studying the lake in front of them. "James is having me do auror training and law school at the same time." He pondered it a moment, not sure how he was going to balance them both. Rigorous programs, both of them, and he'd hardly have time to sleep in-between studying and the small jobs he'd take on in his first year.

It wasn't like Benji was the best at studying anyway.

"Who'd have thought, huh?" he asked. "Dumb shit kid like me."

A comfortable silence settled between them. Which was rare for the pair, since one was typically always talking.

"Then it sounds like you have two options, Ging. Either accept that you're marrying the family too and learn to live with it." He shrugged. "Or don't."

Ugh, it was annoying when he was right. Even more annoying when he was smart. Matilda’s mind shifted back to the summer garden party. She had learned a lot that day about her future and the Zdravkova family. Things she would love to forget.

Then she thought about Drago.

Every time her mind went back to him, the pressure in her chest dissipated. That was enough of an answer for her.

For the first time in weeks, the future didn't seem quite so frightening. She looked over at Benji, studying him for a moment. When had he become an adult? Somewhere between first year and now, the scrawny boy she'd met on the train had grown up. Who would soon be trusted with protecting complete strangers.

Absolutely terrifying, but it suited him. More than he probably realized. A grin lit up her face, something that had been rare since school started.

"Enough about me." She nudged him again in the shoulder. Her mind going back to a simpler time. "Auror training and Law? AND marriage?!"

She shook her head in quiet disbelief.

"Do you remember first year? You were terrified of girls. Terrified of marriage. Specifically terrified of marrying me." She shuddered. ”Can you imagine? We would have killed each other by Christms.” Tilly said with a knowing laugh.

THE HORROR

"Now you're betrothed and running towards dark wizards." Tilly sighed, exhausted at their futures. Growing up was no longer a far away concept, it was actively happening. She looked back toward the lake.

"I'm proud of you." She said simply. Pulling at the grass, picking it apart between her fingers.

The words weren’t teasing. No joke or sarcastic undertone. Just the truth. ”I don’t think I say that enough. You’ll be brilliant.” Another smile.

She looked at him, smirking. "Completely insufferable. Permanently exhausted for sure.” she laughed. She couldn’t imagine studying both careers. "...but brilliant. Just promise me something." Her tone tuned serious. ”Don't change who you are for them."

It wasn’t in him to half ass the training. He would give it his all.

”The Minstry gets to have the second best Auror around. Obviously Drago being the first…” Her voice taking on a matter of fact tone, while her smile showed just how funny she thought she was.

"But I'd really like to keep my best friend."

Linking her arm through his, she rested her head against his shoulder. "And for the record… I know you have approximately fourteen siblings now, and eventually there'll be little Benjis running around..."

She smiled, because she knew how horrifying that must be for him. "...but Aunt Tilly is going to be the coolest aunt they've got. No competition. I’ve already decided.”

"Do you remember first year? You were terrified of girls. Terrified of marriage. Specifically terrified of marrying me."

Benji laughed, loud and open as the memories flooded him. He remembered. Specifically the way he'd torn through the hallways and upset half the Gryffindor table as he'd slid into the bench across from her. He'd been nearly hysterical, begging her to understand he'd never wanna marry her - as though Matilda would have been the worst option available. In truth, Benji had been terrified of all girls and the idea that someone would think he could like them.

That summer sure had changed it all. His eyes sparkled at the memory of Mamacita. He wondered how she was these days.

"The day Tommy became my arch nemesis," he quipped. "Good times."

”Can you imagine? We would have killed each other by Christms.”

Would they have? Benji liked to think with time, maybe he would have come around to the idea, but luckily it wasn't something he'd had to grapple with. In truth, he knew he wouldn't have. He'd have made a terrible husband for Matilda and never treated her the way she deserved. He'd have been cold and aloof while chasing after Rae or other girls.

His friend was definitely better off.

"Now you're betrothed and running towards dark wizards."

"I think I've always run towards dark wizards," he said easily with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "They come in all forms, don't they?" His eyes turned to Matilda, knowing she'd understand. "Abusive parents. An insane professor. A mum that loves blood magic and dark arts. An uncle that'll turn the world on its head." Benji had never been surrounded by light and ease. His life had always been dictated by the adults that surrounded him, whether he was running the streets or castle hallways. "Now I'll get to hunt them before they hunt me." The words came quiet, but he left it at that.

"I'm proud of you. I don’t think I say that enough. You’ll be brilliant.”

It softened him. Benji felt his muscle relaxing, his face falling into something more serene as he kept his eyes on her. Her words crept beneath his skin, settling into his chest with a warmth he only knew from Matilda. Over the years, aside from one kiss, she had remained his most constant platonic friend. She'd never asked anything of him. She'd never insisted he be anything other than who he was.

When so many friends had walked away from him, she'd remained with a smile and an understanding of him so few others had.

She was proud of him. In some ways, he needed to hear it. He needed to know that people believed in him, as much as he believed in them. Without it, what was he striving for?

"Just promise me something. Don't change who you are for them."

He was quiet, even through her joke about Drago, but he managed a nod. "Yeah, I'll try not to," he said slowly, letting the atmosphere between them grow a little thicker. "You know what's funny, Ging?" he asked, turning his eyes back to the water in front of them. "I don't think people change. I think they just start to show who they actually are when push comes to shove." She'd know what he meant. Together, they'd lost so many "friends", for no real reason or explanation. "But whatever I'll be...I think it'll just be who I've always been, you know? I've never tried to hide it." He grinned, finally turning his gaze back to her. "Never been ashamed of who I am."

"And for the record… I know you have approximately fourteen siblings now, and eventually there'll be little Benjis running around...but Aunt Tilly is going to be the coolest aunt they've got. No competition. I’ve already decided.”

His grin warmed as she tucked her into his side, his hand hanging lazily over her shoulder. He enjoyed the feeling of his best friend tucked into his side as he rested his cheek on top of her head. "You will be," he agreed, but he felt that twisting in his stomach. Would she actually be able to visit? Would she be allowed to come and see his children one day? Would he be able to see hers?

Drago was a decent guy, but what about the rest of the family? How appropriate would they find it for a bloke to visit her, even if he was the future of the Laurence family?

"Crazy how far we've come, huh?" he asked, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "Can't believe this is how everything turned out for us." How different things might have been had Halloway never did what he did. "It's good though. It'll all work out, you watch."

There was no going back now.