Disillusionment || Bae

Wednesday, November 28, 1923
~ 11:30PM

---

Ruth Anaya was shaking.

She'd barely made it through her patrols, wandering aimlessly from location to location. If she'd run into any trouble, she couldn't truly say. Had there been others trekking across the grounds when they should've been in bed? She wouldn't have noticed even if there were. The girl's mind was consumed by troubles that weighed heavier than the errant rulebreaker trying their luck. She couldn't imagine entering an argument over what constituted disruption at this hour of the night while her mind was off on another plane, contemplating all the ways that she was well and truly...fucked.

Rae leaned against the railing of the clock tower, looking down at the silent grounds and the patch of flower beds that sprawled along that side of the grounds. She tried forcing herself to breathe, but each breath she took had the bile rising higher up the back of her throat.

Anxiety or something else – she could no longer tell the difference. Both had settled within her since the healer's return earlier that evening.

"It doesn't have to mean that the rest of your life is over," Healer Graham had tried explaining, her hand placed lovingly on the girl's shoulder while Rae allowed herself to entertain every horrid consequence of actions that had finally become treacherous.

It was over, wasn't it? The Collegium, her NEWTs...everything. And for what? She held herself close as she waited for Benji to arrive, her arms hugging each other while her elbows kept her propped up. She knew that he'd be finishing his own patrols soon and had shot him a quick patronus asking to meet her there. The longer she waited in the silence, the more terrified she became.

Despite the healer's reassurances, she hadn't been able to stop crying for more than a half hour at a time. There seemed no end to the tears her body had conjured in the wake of this new and devastating thing.

For the first time, Rae felt like they'd landed in trouble that they couldn't fight and rage their way out of. It had been a while since she'd felt so utterly...helpless.

Three days.

That was all she had to get ahead of things before her father was owled. Three days to accept the reality that now stared her in the face. There was no disappearing. There were too many people who would never let her. She also found that...she didn't want to. Rae didn't want to disappear into a faceless sea of people, stripped of everything she worked so hard for. She didn't want to forsake her application to the collegium and her future in healing. She realised grimly, however, that even if she stayed put, that very fate might find her anyway.

Healer Graham had tried assuring her that she wouldn't let it happen, but it was hard to have faith after seeing this new and oppressive side to the world.

The melodrama was enough to churn her stomach for a different reason. What a pathetic state she now found herself in, so unlike herself that it stirred disgust. There were too many emotions vying for the ultimate seat of control and only one scared girl at a loss of what to do.

It had been a fairly uneventful day, with a too-eventful evening. The days had come and gone since Benji was the troublemaker, sneaking around the school and causing headaches for prefects and professors alike. Karma had come for him, and he'd spent the better part of the last two hours hauling younger years by their collars back to their common rooms. He didn't like being a dick, but they made his job as Head Boy harder than it needed to be, and for their efforts, he'd hoist their asses right back where they belonged.

He liked peace these days, and often tried to spend his patrols clearing his mind of everything so he could actually get some sleep after.

The panther patronus that had found him just outside the Ravenclaw common room had spread a smile across his lips. No sooner had he booted Avery back through that door, he'd found the patronus weaving its way around his legs, Rae's voice calling out to him to come meet her when he was done. A minx she was. The boy had decided he'd go to bed at a normal time, but the very thought of her soft skin beneath his fingertips had put other ideas into his mind. He'd sent his own patronus back, promising he'd be up shortly and to wait for him.

He'd finished his patrols like the well-behaved boy his mother wanted him to be, and strolled up towards the clocktower, climbing every step with the enthusiasm of a boy starved. It wasn't that he and Rae didn't engage in regular physical activity, but after the evening he'd had - especially the endless debate that Hale had graced him with all the way back to the tower - he was ready to unwind while the scent of vanilla and candy flooded his senses.

As he arrived to the landing, he caught his patronus lingering near Rae, her back to him as she gazed out across the grounds. He summoned the raccoon back, letting it disappear into a thin mist as he made his way over to her. "Hey pretty," he said lightly, already working to undo his tie as his blood begin to warm. "Sorry it took so long. I swear Ravenclaws are going to be the - "

His words died on his lips when she finally turned, her expression immediately sending any thoughts he'd had right off the clocktower ledge. He stopped in his tracks, his hands falling from his tie as he lips remained parted. His eyebrows came together in consternation and...he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her so distraught.

He searched his brain, for anything that he could recall happening in the past few days that would have her looking like that, but he came up short. He hadn't flirted with anyone. He hadn't even talked to any girls that he could recall - except Maevie and Matilda. He hadn't taken any orders from his uncle she'd be upset over. Hell, the last he knew she had just gathered all her letters of recommendation for her healer school thing, and she'd been excited for the next steps.

"Who did it?" He found himself nearly barking the question as he moved quickly towards her. "I'll strangle 'em, I swear I will."

The patronus came first.

Rae watched the playful raccoon scamper its way up the ladder and onto the platform of the clocktower. It should've been a thing that brought her comfort, knowing that her fiance was on his way. It had been all she'd wanted from the moment that Healer Graham gave her the grim news. That usually did the trick. When she was sad, hurt, ready to set the world on fire, Benji always swaggered in with that stupid grin of his, distracting her from the things that made her insides bubble. It was the reason she'd sent him the patronus. While she couldn't stomach the thought of running into anyone else – and had done what she could to avoid the general school populace – Rae had been filled with the fantastical idea that just seeing him would be enough to make it all okay.

The raccoon with its antics didn't make her heart leap. That should've been the first sign that the situation was worse than even she was allowing herself to realise it was. It was all she could do to keep it together.

"Hey pretty."

The name almost broke her. Not because there was anything inherently wrong with it. Benji had called her that for years, and it had always made her feel delicate and wanted. She felt neither now. The name felt like it belonged to a girl untangled and untouched by the specific brand of shame that she already knew would be difficult to wash away. Billie would be disappointed. Her father, for as little as she liked to care about his thoughts, would make his feelings her problem. What would she tell her friends? What would they have to say? The Slytherin had never been particularly taken by the opinions of others; this felt...different.

It hit against the image of the girl she'd become. The one above it all, ahead of things, trusted and dependable. Things like this did happen to girls like her – all the time, she assumed. But Rae hadn't been a girl like herself in a while. It was no longer a mould she fit in...so how did she end up there?

She sucked in a deep breath, trying to steel herself before she turned to face him.

"Sorry it took so long. I swear Ravenclaws are going to be the - "

Her face crumpled in real time. Dark eyes that had begun to clear blurred again until she could scarcely make out his concern or confusion. Rae drew a shaky breath, her entire chest cavity rattling. Suddenly, the railing wasn't steady enough. She reached for him at the same time that he propelled himself across the distance to get to her.

"Who did it? I'll strangle 'em, I swear I will."

Nothing he said made sense. The words may as well have been a garbled mess of incoherent sound for the girl so deeply entrenched in her terror that she couldn't process even the simplest of sentences. Rae clung to him, burying her face in his chest. She didn't have answers to his questions, only a sob as her feelings fell over her like an avalanche once more.

One sob became two, then three. There was a strangled sound as she tried to stop a fourth, but it was a vain effort in the end.

"What're we gonna do?" she choked out, forgetting entirely the need for any sort of explanation.

"What...we...Benji..." The words tapered off into unintelligible nothings, the girl crying even harder. How did she even begin? Rae didn't think she had it in her to let those words pass her lips. Uttering them would make it all feel too alarmingly real.

She fell against him, sobs drowning into his chest. If he hadn't been alarmed at the expression that had greeted him, all sirens fired off now. Something had happened. Something had gone wrong. This wasn't Rae. It wasn't to say that she didn't show emotion when she was upset, but he couldn't even begin to remember the last time she'd reacted like this. Immediately, his thoughts circled the worst possible scenarios. Someone had died. Someone was sick. Fuck, was she sick?

She hadn't looked well the past week or so, but he'd believed her when she said she was just exhausted and overwhelmed. "Hey," his voice softened as he wrapped his arms around her, his hand cradling the back of her head into his chest as he felt his adrenaline spiking so fast it made his legs shake. Already he was trying to find solutions to a problem he still didn't understand. Whatever it was, he would handle it. He would beat whoever he needed to into a bloody pulp. He'd move her into his dorm, fuck whatever the school administration said. He'd run away with her - once he explained things to Kate. He'd...he'd...

"What's going on?" It came out as a beg. As unpredictable and chaotic his own emotions could be, Benji hated to see Rae so out of sorts and wanted to understand. He couldn't bear the desperate cries that signaled...a broken heart? He didn't know. He couldn't decipher it. All he understand was the way it gripped his own chest and tore at him from every angle.

"What're we gonna do?"

Well...he would also like to know that, but he couldn't begin to put together a plan while she kept her sorrows to herself.

Despite his own need to keep her against him and chase away everything that pained her, he needed her to spit it out. He pulled back, choosing to cup her face instead. His thumbs brushed at the tears that soaked her cheeks. He lowered himself enough to meet her eyes, searching them for whatever answers she wasn't providing. "About what? Rae, I don't..."

"What...we...Benji..."

Another flurry of incoherence and she was back in his chest. He kissed the top of her head, letting his lips linger as he held her again, tightening his arms so she knew he wasn't going anywhere. "Okay," he tried to soothe her, "It's okay. Whatever it is, we'll be fine. We'll figure it out. It can't be that bad."

He hoped. Jesus Christ, his shirt was soaked with her tears. Another minute of this and Benji was sure he was going to have to carry her to the Hospital Wing to get her a calming potion. "Just tell me."

Preferably before his heart gave out.

"It's okay. Whatever it is, we'll be fine."

But it wasn't fine.

Rae didn't know whether things would ever be fine again. There were so many future threads that hinged on the success of their seventh year. She had NEWTs to complete. Benji wanted to do double studies in law and auror work – not that she imagined this would affect him much. It never affected the boys. While her fiance wasn't the sort to flout his privilege over her, and she didn't believe he really would watch her life fall to pieces while he cautiously stepped over the shards and continued about his day, there was a part of her that had learned the way society worked.

There was every chance she would be forced back to New York. Billie would never hear the end of it. Her father didn't need more kindling for the fire he'd begun to burn against her mother's guardianship. He already believed that she'd been allowed to run wild and carry on like a 'common street' girl.

He wasn't...wrong. Rae had been taught the value of 'time and place' and did know how to conduct herself when absolutely required, but unlike Roger Burke and too many other people she'd met in her life, Billie allowed her the freedom to simply be and to express her fire as she pleased. She didn't subscribe to the beliefs of the time that a woman must be subtle and unseen. She'd never tried teaching her the proper way to bow and remain silent in rooms where men spoke. Rae had had to learn to hold her own space in the world, and rather than try to temper that, her adoptive mother had seen the value in cultivating it.

Until this point, there had been an argument for such an upbringing. Rae didn't think it all disintegrated, but she understood clearly that would be the equivalent of handing her father a loaded gun and praying he had no intention of shooting.

"We'll figure it out. It can't be that bad."

"How?" she croaked, her voice distorted with emotion and desperation. How did one fix this short of the unthinkable? Her father would never see reason.

"Just tell me."

She eased away, her lips trembling as she tried to force the words. Finally, and with much effort, she muttered words that should've brought her joy someday but only filled her with an unshakeable dread.

No sooner had she wiped the moisture from her eyes than it returned. "We...we can't fix it. She's gonna tell." The clock had already started ticking. They were on borrowed time, and no amount of damage control could undo the actual problem. In fact, even if she dared imagine a world where she did things she never thought she would...the news would still get out, and she would have a different crime to answer for.

They were effectively boxed in.

When she pulled away, Benji had thought he was ready to hear what she had to say. Whatever the bad news was, whatever had happened, the boy knew he’d find a way to handle it and defeat it for her before she could cry another tear. He’d been so sure that no matter what, he could manage what was coming for them, one way or another.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for the reality that fell from her lips.

He blinked. Once. Twice. His mouth fell open as his eyebrows raised, his lungs unable to remember how to inhale. Between his ears, loud carnival music began to play, while every muscle and nerve ending in his body short-circuited, freezing him in place. He didn’t…quite…no…he couldn’t…yes…she had said…no, he was deaf…it couldn’t…it wasn’t…

Benji had forgotten English. Somewhere along the lines of Rae’s explanation, the boy had forgotten any and all words, unable to form a single one or even recall what a single one meant. His mouth went dry, his throat closed up, and the blood drained from his head, causing him to stare stupidly at the girl in front of him.

A part of him - hell all of him - wanted to believe it was a joke. That she’d somehow found herself an award-worthy actress, and had decided to send him into a stroke at the ripe age of sixteen. It’d be an easy way for her to escape the impending marriage. If he were dead, she’d have no vow to fulfill and…

Her tears were real. The panic in her eyes was real. The way she clung to him and wailed was real.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“How…hoooooow….”

He clenched his eyes shut, his jaw tensing uncomfortably as he tried to shut out the way his head caved in on itself. Without meaning to, he dropped his hands for her in favor of pressing them into either side of his head. What…how was he going to handle this?! He couldn’t. He didn’t think he could! He could barely handle the shit that was already on his plate and now his girlfriend - fiancé - was panicking, waiting for him to figure shit out and make it better.

“It’s not possible,” he argued. His mum had seen to that. For years, she had taken precautions on his behalf. “It’s not possible.”

”We...we can't fix it. She's gonna tell."

“WHO?!”

The question came louder and more frantic than he had anticipated, but his brain was scrambling, attempting to latch onto anything that made sense. Just two minutes ago, he’d come up here expecting a good time and now she was telling him that he…he…

Her eyes found him again, and for the briefest moment, he wanted to run. Benji didn’t want to stand here and be told the news she’d just bestowed on him, nor did he want to think about what it meant for him and his life. But…the desperation he saw in soft brown broke his heart, and he reached for her again, pulling her tightly against him. Fuck.

He’d ruined her life. School. Mungo’s. All the dreams she’d had for herself, he’d stolen from her. He’d done it. Exactly what they all said he would. Despite all the strides he made, Benji had still turned out to be a royal fuck up. “Fuck,” he groaned, at a loss for more comforting words. “Are you…you’re sure?”

He wasn't saying anything.

He wasn't saying anything.

Rae's brows came together in consternation while she waited for Benji to say something—anything—to make it better. He'd already said he'd fix it, despite her own misgivings of his ability to do so. While she knew better, there was a part of her desperate to believe that the moment she was no longer the only one carrying the news, then things could improve. But Benji was shutting down. He wasn't brimming with grand schemes they could try. He wasn't proposing daring ventures they may have to think carefully about. Her fiancé was simply... staring.

As if she'd grown two heads.

As if he could already see what she would become by the end of the school year and was equally horrified.

“How… hoooooow….”

...How?

"What the fuck do you mean how??" she asked, pulling away sharply so she could properly meet his gaze. Her own eyes widened with a mixture of incredulity and panic. This wasn't his fixing things. This was him fixing to make it worse. Her tone rose in pitch, emotion causing it to crackle despite her best efforts. "Stop acting like you don't know ho—I'm here trying to—this isn't funny and you're—" The more worked up she was, the more difficult it became for her to form coherent sentences. Her mind was a frenzy of thoughts and catastrophes all crashing into each other violently.

“It’s not possible, it’s not possible.”

It wasn't... it... it wasn't... possible?

The adrenaline within her spiked, a massive surge of energy forcing its way through her until she grew concerned she might actually start ripping at the seams. "Not POSSIBLE? Not—You—Benji!" She shoved him as hard as she could, her heart booming inside her chest while her face began to crumple in on itself again. "This is serious, and I don't know what to do and you'reheretellingmeit'snotpossibleandI—" Rae drew in a deep breath, trying to slow the way her words garbled together. The sound was sharp, strangled, and abrupt.

“WHO?!”

WHO WHAT??

The more he spoke the less sense he made. The fuck did he mean who? Who where? It took her mind a second to reorganise the sequence of events enough for her to grasp his meaning, and her entire body sagged in a helpless sort of resignation.

"My father," she said, a sob escaping her with the word. "And... and Billie." Truly, things couldn't get much worse.

“Are you… you’re sure?”

She stood corrected. With Benji, it could always get worse. She was going to be sick.

Rae's limbs weakened the moment Benji asked what might have been the most asinine thing he'd allowed to pass through his lips that evening. As if she would allow herself to be so cut up over something that was merely a maybe. As if she'd be so beside herself for nothing more than the hell of it. She leaned into him when he pulled her close, unable to support her own weight while everything around her continued to crash.

"Oh god. Yes, I'm sure. Can you stop asking? It's not helping." Nothing was helping. They were FUCKED.

"What the fuck do you mean how?? Stop acting like you don't know ho—I'm here trying to—this isn't funny and you're—"

FuNnY?! What part of ANY of this could Benji possibly find funny? Was he grinning? Was he laughing? Confusion clouded him, as he shook his head, "I'm not...it's not..." Oh God. Why did his chest feel congested? Why were spots twinkling in front of his eyes? He swallowed hard, clenching his eyes closed again.

This wasn't real. This wasn't real. Any moment, he'd wake up and swear celibacy for the rest of his fucking days. His mum had cast this. Somehow she'd figured they'd been getting a bit too wild and she'd haunted him with the sort of dream she knew would fuck with his head and scare him straight.

"Not POSSIBLE? Not—You—Benji!"

She shoved him, but he didn't feel it. He stumbled backwards a step, but the shellshock remained, his face contorted by terror as hers crumpled in front of him. He knew he needed to make it better. Rae was falling apart before his very eyes, but he was at a loss. His body had forgotten how to move. It had forgotten how to think. It had forgotten all action, reasoning, and the very act of breathing. In the absence of any survival instinct, the boy was likely to collapse beneath the weight of his own mistake.

His mistake. Fuck. Fuuuuuck. "Oh fuck," he groaned running his hands down his face as reality began to settle on his shoulders. He wasn't waking up. She wasn't calming down. This....fuck.

"This is serious, and I don't know what to do and you'reheretellingmeit'snotpossibleandI—"

"I-I just," he stammered, his hands running back into his hair as he suddenly began to pace, "I...gimme a minute, Rae, okay?" He needed to breath. His lungs had begun to burn from the lack of oxygen. His heart slammed into his sternum so fiercely he worried it'd escape his chest and hoist itself off the clock tower. He'd follow it, allowing fate to have its way with him before life could.

It had been a long time, an incredibly long time, since Benji had felt this out of control of himself. He groaned, letting his body crumple to the floor, resting his back against the railing. He pulled his knees to his chest, trying to regulate the adrenaline that caused his hands to shake. He was going to....he was gonna....she was....

"My father. And... and Billie."

As if shit couldn't get worse. The boy tipped his head back against the railing, realizing that whatever he was currently feeling was only the tip of the iceberg. Her father already hated him. His mum would be heartbroken. James would kill him. It was nothing compared to what Rae was facing. Benji knew Roger wasn't a gentle man, and he'd...goddammit. As though the boy didn't have enough to deal with.

"Oh god. Yes, I'm sure. Can you stop asking? It's not helping."

He'd only asked once! Benji didn't really understand what he was supposed to say or do, or how he was meant to fix this.

He knew there were ways. There were potions and more...grim methods. Did she want that? Benji's eyes traveled up to stare helplessly at the girl he'd somehow wrecked without trying. What was he meant to do? He didn't know the first thing about this kind of stuff or how to make something like this better. Hell, he needed someone to make it better.

He was at a loss, genuinely.

And...he was really terrified. For what this meant for both of them.

"Hey," he said, reaching out to take hold of her hand and pull her down to him. His knees parted as he pulled her between them, cuddling her to his chest. He held tightly to her, trying to regulate himself with the feeling of her against him while his heart continued its revolt against him. "I...I'm sorry..." he tried. That seemed like a good place to start, yeah?

He was sorry. That he'd done this. That he'd somehow fucked them both. That he didn't know what to say or do.

He was just a scared kid, holding another scared kid and trying to understand what was happening.

"I don't know what to do," he admitted. His voice shook as his eyes misted over, and he dropped a kiss on top of her head. "Is there...is there something you want to do?" Whatever it was, he'd try to come to terms with it. "I don't mean anything by that," he tried to say quickly. He just needed to know where to start.

"Fuck."

"I'm not... it's not..."

He wasn't any more coherent than she was. The pit in her stomach only dug itself deeper as it began to sink in that neither of them had even the faintest idea how they were going to get themselves out of this. No. Not out. It was a little too late for out. Through would be the only way. Unfortunately for her, 'through' was also the more terrifying option. Everything would change, and she wasn't sure any of it would be for the better. It was another thing that reality had caused to curdle after years of pleasant dreaming.

Rae could remember now – with much chagrin – the times she'd wailed at Benji for this very thing. She'd been loud... inconsolable even. Back then, she hadn't been trying to hear reason and was filled with the sort of whimsy that was nowhere to be found now.

"I-I just, I... gimme a minute, Rae, okay?"

"A MIN--"

Rae sucked in a deep and abrupt breath, forcing herself down from the scream that had already half made its way out of her throat. She wanted to scream. Merlin knew that she'd never wanted to scream more in her entire life. It built up inside her, a violent buzzing inside her limbs. The girl felt like her body was being hijacked by some unknown force, her entire system revolting against the influx of adrenaline that only seemed to worsen with Benji's panic. He brought her back to her earlier evening.

When she looked at him, she saw herself crumbling under the weight of what she'd been told. She could smell the antiseptic and feel the stillness in the air and the chill against her raised hairs. Rae thought she could feel the unpleasant rise of bile, though she forced it back down.

She'd needed more than a minute. He asked for one now. As much as she wanted to shake him into something productive, Rae could see the way his own mind was folding.

"Hey."

She barely heard him. While there was some part of her that could understand his panic and his need for time, the larger part of her remained locked into the alarming predicament itself. If he needed time then it was left for her to handle it and she was no closer to figuring out how. She could... she could...

He tugged, and her knees gave way. With no resistance left in her, Rae collapsed between his knees, turning immediately to bury herself in his chest and her face in the crook of his neck.

"I... I'm sorry..."

So was she, for everything she'd ever done in her entire life. One of them had surely led them here.

"I don't know what to do. Is there... is there something you want to do? I don't mean anything by that. Fuck."

"I just wanna disappear," she muttered against him. "But I know we can't. I know." She could feel her composure shattering again. "I don't know what to do either. I don't... I don't think there's anything we can do. This is so fucked up." Why them? Why now when the future was finally looking bright and they were on their way to being what they'd never dared dream they could? Why have them rise then if they were only going to fall? It only made it hurt worse than if they'd never thought there was a chance.

"They're all gonna know. We don't have a choice. I don't wanna go home, but I... here... I don't know if I can..."

Her father would sooner kill her than see her shame the family. And if he didn't, the humiliation would.

He...he wasn't trying to be useless. He just didn't know how to be useful. He'd never faced something like this before. Something he couldn't punch or magic his way out of, or run from, or hide from, or rage at until the world gave way. Throughout his life, Benji had been a fighter, never backing down from a challenge.

He couldn't fight this one, and he realized it left him...very much at a loss. It left him feeling small and helpless as Rae buried her face in his chest, He knew she wanted him to fix it, to find a way out of this for her. How very much a boy he felt in the moment, and not at all like the man he was supposed to be becoming.

Fuck. His mother would be heartbroken. His uncle...angry, without a doubt in his mind. Would they support him and Rae? Would they understand that they were just kids and hadn't meant for...for this to happen? Would they protect Rae from her father, or would they insist that the matter be handled before word got out?

Shit. Who did he talk to? Who could he turn to? It wasn't that he didn't want to run straight to his mum and fall apart in front of her, but he didn't think he could bear the look on her face when he did. After all she had done for him and Kate. All the time and energy and love and guidance she had poured into him.

And this was how he repaid her?

"I just wanna disappear. But I know we can't. I know."

They couldn't. He knew that too, despite telling himself otherwise. There was too much riding on both of them, and...Roger and James would never allow it. Rae's father would scour the edges of the Earth for her. He'd done it before. James was the minister now. It'd be easy for him to track them down. Did Benji think they'd experience the same thing Cassian and Rosalie had?

Not nearly, but...they couldn't run.

"I don't know what to do either. I don't... I don't think there's anything we can do. This is so fucked up. They're all gonna know. We don't have a choice. I don't wanna go home, but I... here... I don't know if I can..."

"Shh," he tried to soothe her, holding her tighter, to steady himself as much as her. In the moment, Benji had never felt so frightened in all of his life. What lay in front of them was daunting. Magnanimous. Bigger than anything he'd ever faced. He'd have to grow up now. Now. Not at the end of the year. Not when he started higher learning. Not when he eventually became a husband.

Now.

"No matter what, I'll be here," he reassured her. "We'll handle all of it together. You won't be alone." He dropped another kiss on her head. It was the most he knew he could promise in the moment, when everything felt so unsure. He didn't know if it would be okay.

"One day at a time. We'll figure this out one day at a time." His heart hammered so wildly that he was seeing spots in front of his eyes, the adrenaline coursing through him with unrestrained zeal. He gulped, inhaling deeply. "I-I have to tell Maddox."

It was the only person he could think of in the moment that he trusted. Maddox was the best example of a dad he'd ever known, and while his stepfather would undoubtedly be upset or frustrated with him, he'd know what to do.

"No matter what, I'll be here. We'll handle all of it together. You won't be alone."

She knew that.

For better or worse, Rae was well aware that any semblance of 'aloneness' that remained would evaporate the moment the news broke and others became involved. The choices she made would no longer only be hers. The things she was 'permitted' to do would shrink. Her father might well uproot her. If not, he'd find some other way of being close.

Decisions would be made over her head despite them concerning her, and soon, she would have to be making decisions for someone else. When she thought about her break‑free moment into adulthood, it had certainly come with expectations that she would suddenly be filled with choices. The Collegium was on the horizon, her freedom, her own place. It had all felt so... thrilling.

This was the upset. It wasn't some moment of exhilaration; it was clarity.

Still, Rae managed to grab hold of the comfort Benji's words had intended. Horrifying as it all was, he would be there, too. This wasn't about to become her problem. She wasn't about to bear the brunt of the consequences on her own and could rest in the assurance that he was as scared... as clueless... as hopelessly lost.

It was another thing they were facing together, as they'd been doing since the moment they'd first become friends. It wasn't some fatalistic 'them against the world' fantasy – neither of them had ever been the type. It was solidarity. It was knowing that life might well turn to shit again, but that this time they had each other and had already proven they could weather other storms. This one felt bigger and scarier than any of the others, the ones they could fight and scream their way through, but he wouldn't let her fight it alone, and that was going to have to be enough while they figured things out.

Rae pressed her eyes when he kissed the top of her head, wanting to disappear inside him so completely that she could escape the world and what it was trying to make her face.

"One day at a time. We'll figure this out one day at a time."

"Okay," she replied, her voice small and shaky. One day at a time. Three days until it all detonated. The thought caused her heart to hammer again. She forced herself to take deep breaths, not wanting to become overwhelmed again. The Slytherin was tired of crying and tired of feeling so helpless... and it had only been... a day.

Circe, how would she survive the coming months? She couldn't wallow the entire time.

"I-I have to tell Maddox."

Rae reached a hand up to wipe at her eyes, forcing herself closer to composure. Her stomach knotted at the thought of him telling Professor Barlowe, but she understood that there would inevitably be movement. The world wouldn't wait for them to figure it out. They had to move with it or be swallowed whole. "Okay," she said again, her voice a little louder but no less shaky. She sniffled, pulling herself further toward what she knew she needed to be.

Maddox was friends with Billie. They'd worked together briefly before either had gotten to Hogwarts. If word was going to get to her... it... it might have been better coming from him.